Set a Course and Go

Sometimes you come to a fork in the road.  You have to take a chance. 

A younger friend of mine just quit a job she didn’t really like, put most of her belongings in storage and set off to sail around for a while with her boyfriend.  He was a new boyfriend, not some long term significant other.  It reminded me a lot of the book and movie, Castaway, or Lin and Larry Purdy.  A couple off for adventure together, and they’d get to know each other in the process, rather than the other way around, spending years to get to know each other, then going off on an adventure, or even a long vacation.  Somehow, it seems a better way to do things. She went “All in”, risked what she had in order to search for what she might find.  She might find herself, or lose herself, or lose herself to find herself.  But sometimes, it seems to get you where you should be in life much quicker and doesn’t leave you with years and years behind you wondering why not?

I recently had a situation of my own that required me to go all in.  A long term relationship had changed.  Friends for a year, recently we deepened that relationship and added an intimate D/s element to it. But something changed between us, tempers flared, nasty words were exchanged.  In three weeks it was over.  We tried to patch things back to being “just friends”.  That lead to cycles of closeness, then withdrawal.  Our friendship was stuck on an endless air fluff tumble dry cycle, not heat, not going anywhere, but constant agitation. Perhaps it might be that we, meaning I, didn’t give it time to develop, to morph, to change back or forward.  I can lack patience with things that stalemate in an unpleasant cycle, and I wasn’t able to see any difference, any change in anything in a couple of months.  Endless near arguments and apologies.

Finally, after a day of quiet and no contact I decided that, for me at least, no contact at all was better than the bickering.  So I went all in.  Bet the farm. All or nothing.  I expected nothing, I got nothing.  No blame to be assigned. Am I happier?  I don’t know.  I am more at peace, but still wondering, as I guess I will always wonder.

Update:  I wonder less now.  As a peace settles without the threat of temper tantrums, I find I'm happier.